As the term comes to an end here at the University of Oregon, I continually see similar posts on various social media sites. A Facebook status here. A tweet there. An Instagram picture of this. (And now) A blog post about that. People my age are all preparing to graduate. Some of my friends comment about how today is their last day of school ever and the 4 day weekend they have enjoyed all term is about to turn into a 4 day celebration. Graduation announcements are being sent out. Posters are being placed around campus congratulating the Class of 2012.
I feel like I should be showing some emotion. I feel like this is the time for me to get nostalgic. Yes, I am returning to the UO in the Fall to finish up some classes. It is more common than ever for students to come back for a term or even a whole year. But still. Graduation is approaching. I have said goodbye to two groups that were a major part of my college life, and am about to say goodbye to one more on Friday. Yet no emotion.
Am I a robot? Am I void of emotion?
I am stuck in limbo. I will graduate on Monday, June 18th. I will wear my cap and gown and walk with the rest of the Class of 2012. One week after that ceremony, I will be back in a classroom for 4 weeks of summer courses. It is my own fault, and I understand that. I take complete blame. Maybe I stretched myself too thin between extra curricular activities and school. Maybe math and science REALLY just isn’t my thing (I knew that before). But still. Shouldn’t I be feeling something right now? Is there something wrong with me?
Limbo is a terrible place to be. I have every symptom of Senioritis, yet I still have work to do. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, that tunnel is a few hundred yards away and I am running towards it at the speed of turtle. I recognize that I am no longer a part of the student groups I cared so much about, but I am not sad. I should be sad, shouldn’t I!?
I have a Senior Bucket List to finish. I want to finish it now, while my friends are still here. But knowing that I have more time makes me unmotivated. “I’ll just finish it in the Fall.”
I know I am rambling, and I may not even be making sense to those reading this. But limbo is a terrible place to be. You feel no emotion. You feel no motivation. You just sit there and watch everything spin around you. The one thing you feel is sadness and depression that you will not be joining your friends on the other side of graduation. The knowledge that when you throw your cap up in the air to signify the end of your education, it will be a lie.
I don’t even know what to say anymore. I sit here in my room which has become a war zone filled with papers, books and laundry, and I am only disappointed in myself. I should be celebrating right now. Instead, I am stuck in limbo.