A Little Bit of Self Therapy Never Hurt

There are many things in motion in my life right now. I want to control them all, know what’s happening, what’s going to happen, and be able to make things happen by grasping onto a plan and proceeding smoothly. The things that I have control of do not bother me. I feel happy, content, and confident. I know what I need to do, I am doing it, and I believe I am being successful in my endeavors. I’m working hard, and I believe I am going to come out successful. Naturally, there are worries and nervous feelings, but in the end, I know I am doing the most I can and will have no regrets. Live with no regrets. Make the decisions based on what you want to do, and don’t look back to question, “What if?” But that’s a blog for a different day. For now, I am taking control of my own life and actions and hoping for the best.

Now, when I say control, I don’t mean that in a dictatorship, power-hungry way. I mean I am able to choose my own path and whatever the outcome may be, good or bad, I have been able to figure things out on my own. Be in control of myself.

Somethings I can affect. Others I can’t. For those I can affect, I take action. I move in. I do what I can. But while I have some sense of control in certain aspects, I have zero in others. It’s not that I can’t affect things. I just can’t affect them in a matter in which I wish. I want to be able to turn a clock back and have things back to the way they were, but that isn’t possible. 

So what do I do? I stop. I try not to think about the drama. I use something else to occupy myself and take the focus off what I cannot affect. In the past I’ve used various activities at CHS to occupy myself in odd times. Theater, movies, music, whatever works. At school I would loose myself in a football or basketball game. Currently, I am involved in a great experience at camp which is now allowing me to clear my head for about 8 hours a day. Not have to focus or think about anything that is going on beyond Agoura and Kanan Road. I’m not running away from anything. I just need some time, at times, to take a breather. You take a breath, you let go of the issues, and you just have fun. Focus on the thing you are doing, and have a good time.

I don’t want to sound like I’m a guy with a bunch of issues. I’m not. Really. My life is really great right now. Between my school life, and my personal life, I’m in a great place. The events which I can control add to the overall prosperity of life right now (was that the right choice of words? Sure, why not). It’s the few other instances going on that are the faults in my life currently. Unfortunately, they sorta happen to be big…

And the the phone rings at 10:55 pm. More information flows in. You start to worry. You hid behind a few jokes and laughs before actually thinking about everything. You let it sit, and you think, and you wonder. And then you just can’t wait to wake up, go to a place that helps you stop and breathe, not worry about what happens beyond the PVC pipe barrier, take control of the things that you can, put plans in motion, and continue on with everything else that makes you who you are. Everything else that makes you happy. You see the new friends you’ve made and remember the new stories you’ll have to tell. You sit back, relax, and think, “I got a lot of good going for me right now. The few things that are fucking it up, however big they may be, shouldn’t define your everyday personality. Take control of your life.” Once you’re in control, the other stuff will fix itself. I forget where it’s from, but there’s a quote that says “Everything will be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.” True words. Everything will be okay. Most everything already is. And for those things that aren’t? In the end, everything will be okay…

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