WBC: “Nee-Pon!!! Nee-Pon!!!”

The World Baseball Classic has been the subject of a lot of scrutiny. Some believe that it is not played at the right time of year, and should be played midway through the season. Others say it shouldn’t happen at all. People say this since Team USA has, in both incarnations of the Classic, been ill-prepared and has failed to reach the finals. But we are ill-prepared because we, the American people and the players, do not care. 

 

 

Investors? Possibly YOU!

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.

The Library will include:

1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.

3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.

4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.

5. The Guantãnamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.

6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you
go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)

11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with
shooting gallery.

12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

13. The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

14. The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite
Republican Senators.

15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija Board,
dice, coins and straws.

Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and
view the President’s accomplishments.

The library will also include many famous Quotes by George W. Bush:

1. ‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.’

2. ‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.’

3. ‘Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child.’

4. ‘No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs
and medicine.’

5. ‘I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy – but that could change.’

6. “One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
one word is ‘to be prepared’.”

7. ‘Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.’

8. ‘I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future.’

9. ‘The future will be better tomorrow.’

10. ‘We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world..’

11. ‘One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some
fantastic pictures.’ (during an education photo-op)

12. ‘Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it.’

13. ‘We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.’

14. ‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.’

15. ‘I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.’

Greyhound: A True Story

This is a true story, which comes in two parts. The first part takes place before I got on the bus, and the second part takes place after. The events, people, and story have not been changed. I learned part one from the people sitting around me who were on the bus before me. I apologize for any grammatical errors. I just needed to write this down as soon as I could! Sorry Becky…
_______________________________________________________________________

    Becky and Paul, a happy couple, got on the Greyhound bus in Sacramento. Paul is about 6’4” and lanky. He has red hair, a beard, and what looks like a fake tan. Becky is about 5’9” and plump. She also has red hair, which looks dirty, and clumped together. They both had track marks all over their arms, so their drug use history was visible to the world. They planned to go to Portland. They get on the bus, and begin to prepare for their long trip. In order to help pass the time, they begin to drink a little. And then a lot. By the time they reached Redding they were completely trashed. The drinking had not affected Becky’s voice, but Paul began to speak like the Greased Up Deaf Guy from Family Guy. They began to argue with each other. Becky slapped Paul in the face. “If you slap me one more time, I swear to God I will hit you!” Becky slapped Paul in the face. “If you slap me one more time, I swear to God I will hit you!” Becky slapped Paul in the face. “If you slap me one more time, I swear to God I will hit you!” Finally, Becky slapped Paul in the face so hard, that his nose began to bleed. And with that, Paul and Becky broke up.
_______________________________________________________________________

    When I got on the bus in Medford, Or, Paul and Becky had decided to not sit next to each other. Instead, they sat one behind the other. The first thing I hear out of either of their mouths is Becky yelling “HE’S NOT MY BOYFRIEND! WE BROKE UP!” I didn’t realize that “we broke up” meant “we broke up 15 minutes ago.” I also didn’t realize they were completely wasted. The bus driver came to the back before we left and said “you two need to cool it, or I’m kicking you off at the next stop. Make this an enjoyable trip for everyone else! Now pick up your clothes, and pull up your pants!” “Paul! Pull your pants up!” I knew I was ready for an enjoyable ride. Paul began to yell at Becky. “You’re a prostitute! You’re a prostitute! And you won’t admit it because you don’t want no one to know, but you are! You’re a prostitute! I’m gonna call the police and have you arrested and you’re gonna go to jail! And I got the bite marks to prove it! I got em!” Becky responds, “I didn’t bite you! I didn’t bite shit!” Paul began to grab at Becky’s arms and shake her seat. “Give me my money! You owe me $50!!!! Give me money!!!” “I don’t owe you anything. I’m not gonna give you anything! I’ll give you $10! I’m not giving you shit,” (which I found rather contradictory), “Now you stop touching me or I’m getting the bus driver!” Paul exclaimed, “No you won’t! I’ll get her first!” Becky stood up and moved two rows in front of me. Paul still was sitting 3 rows behind me. After Becky gets seated, Paul started to call for her. “BECKY! BECKY!” Every time he called for her, she would turn around, glare at him, and point at him. Paul then got up from his seat and walked down to Becky’s seat. He leaned in, trying to talk to her, and she continually turned away. He then put his hands on her shoulders, just to have them knocked off. Paul then proceeded to walk to the front of the bus, say something to the driver and walk back to Becky. When he reached Becky, he took the almost empty bottle of what appeared to be vodka. As we continued on our way towards Central Point, Or, I heard Paul weeping behind me. “*SOB* BECKY!!!!! *SOB* BEEECCCKKKYYYY!” As the bus comes to a halt at the Central Point gas station, both Paul and Becky get off the bus to get food…and argue a little more. As they walk towards the Taco Bell, Paul continued to reach out towards Becky, only to be rejected. The bus driver came to the back of the bus, and asked where Paul was sitting. She then looked through his stuff, and kicked them both off the bus. They both tried to get back on the bus several times, to no avail. As we drove away, we see Becky, pissed as could be, leaning against the wall of Taco Bell, and Paul is nowhere to be seen. Becky then stood up, and started walking towards the bus, which was waiting at a red light. We then noticed she was not walking towards the bus, but towards Paul, who was lying down sideways in a bush. He was urinating. Lying down. Sideways. Becky then looked at Paul, yelled at him, and took his backpack, which was overflowing with clothes, and walked away. We all then looked at Paul, who was zipping up his pants. And as we drove away, we all watched Paul army crawl down a dirt hill and onto the sidewalk.

Some Notes From The Debate…

Here are some notes I wrote I my phone during tonight’s debate:

-All of McCain’s responces had to do with records and experience and NO answers. If you know how to do it, then tell us!!!

-Name some Democrat Senators that you have reached across the aisle to work with who aren’t now considered “Independent” or Republican. 

-He keeps saying Obama hasn’t had to take on the big wigs of the Democratic Party…maybe because he hasn’t had to….AND I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND ASSHOLE!

-His attacks are painting him as a bitter old man.

-People in Tennessee aren’t gonna be driving to Arizona to go see a doctor!

-It’s not and attack on Pakistan! It’s an attack on Osama Bin Laden. And didn’t you say Reagan was your hero? What’s this Teddy is my hero shit?

-McCain walks like my grandpa.

-He says that he doesn’t wanna start another Cold War, but all of his ideas seem headed that way.

-Hey John, were you a POW? Just wondering…

-Stop trying to be funny and get to your answer…”Maybe…hehe GOD IM FUNNY!”

-Didn’t your hero Ronald Reagan sit down with a leader of an enemy nation? Oh wait, Reagan’s not your hero…Teddy is….or did you switch it again?

-Is that Tina Fey as Sarah Palin sitting in the audience?

-Yes, we know you know what it’s like to be fighting for this country. You were a POW…I think…

-Record Record Record

-What you don’t know is how to use a computer and who those damned kids are listening to these days…The Big Bopper?

A letter

Dear Jazzy-

   We got you when I was 3. We were “the little ones.” We “grew up” together. You were the puppy and I was the baby. I remember my mom being on the phone talking to the people, and saying that she was going to pick you up from LAX in a few days. Katie named you Princess Jasmine Horwitch, after Jasmine from Aladdin. But we called you Jazzy for short. You came with us from the Encino house to Calabasas. You were scared to walk up and down the stairs, so we had to carry you. You wouldn’t go to the bathroom in the sideyard, so my mom told my dad to show you how to do it. My mom wouldn’t let me take you on walks when I was little because she thought you would drag me when you started running. Then one day you did and I skinned my knee. I was walking you when we found the baby bunnies in the box down the street. I though it was a snake and quickly ran you back up to the house. I remember when Maddy, the Great Dane from across the street, bit you in the neck. We were all so scared, but you were fine. You kept on running around like nothing happened. You had you’re “spaz-attacks” and would run like a mad man around the house until you couldn’t run anymore. I would be playing soccer or baseball in the backyard and you’d run and try and chase the ball….but never fetch. We had so many nicknames for you: Jazz, Boosie, Mrs. Fitelberg, Spaz. At Christmas you had your own stocking, and there was always a bone under the tree for you. When I was really little I would take a picture of you on vacation with me- wherever we traveled. I guess I saw people in movies bring pictures of family with them on trips. Since my family was with me, I brought you. We always though of you as the 3rd kid, and I think you thought of yourself like that too. It was always Katie, Alex, and Jazzy. Mom calls the kids into the room. In run Katie, Alex, and Jazzy. Always. You would wait with me and mom for carpools to Castlemont, or the bus/van to Camp Kinneret. You were in the car when we got a flat tire a block away from the Encino house. You were in the car when we got into an accident outside of the Commons after one of your joint birthday parties with Amber Mainstain. 

When we got Bella we thought it would change you, and you would realize you were a dog. But Bella just brought out a more playful side. You never had another dog to play with, and suddenly there was one that wouldn’t leave you alone. Although you may not be as active as you once were, you are still my Jazzy. My Boosie. My dog. My first pet. For 15 years you have been a constant in my life. From Temple Judea, to Castlemont, to AE Wright and AC Stelle, and all the way to Senior year of Calabasas High, you have been the thing that never changed. Yes, you may have gotten older and slower, but it has still always been you; my Jazzy. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I have to. It’s something that has to be done. But nothing can take away pictures, videos, and memories. Like how mom talks about Pixie, or Alfie, or Terry, or Casey Jones, or how dad talks about “The Friz’s,” I will talk about you. I will always have you in my mind, and through pictures. Whenever I watch or see something about Aladdin, I will think of you, Princess Jasmine Horwitch. Bella will miss you. Mom and Dad and Katie will miss you. But I will miss you more than anything. I love you, and goodbye

   -Alex 

RIP

Princess Jasmine “Jazzy” Horwitch

July 3, 1993-January 22, 2008

D.O.B

I am sitting here holding a pack of cigarettes. I don’t smoke. I don’t intend to smoke. I don’t want to smoke. As I said to the man at the Shell station, “It’s my 18th birthday. It’s just for the novelty of it.” 

I just did some Lottery Scratchers. I won $4 and a free ticket. What are the odds of having the same magic number 2 times in a row?

I also am holding a Super Lotto Ticket. $33 Million at stake. 2 quick picks.

6. 7. 31. 42. 44. Mega 9

11. 22.32.39. 40 Mega 12

     It was a good birthday. Thanks to everyone.

In other news, Fiddler auditions were today. I feel good. Thats about all I can say. I feel good and we’ll see how things go.  

Golden Globes officially cancelled due to Writers Strike. Fucking producers.